The Ocean.
Posted on 07 August 2012 @ 12:42 am with 0 comments
I wanted to feel calm and okay, even close to the ocean. No more ledges, no more harsh edges, no more upset or crashing waves. Just sea foam lapping at my feet, and the hot sand turned lukewarm from the ocean's cool.
I wanted to find the place in my life where I had my words again. Where my life was emotions and drawings in the sand, semi-permanent, and my laugh and my love wasn't intangible.
And yet, I'm not.
And I feel like I'll never be.
And though I keep trying to hope,
And more than anything else in the whole word
I keep trying to be happy and free and breathe-easy,
I'm not.
The world is chaotic again.
Why can't I keep my words? Why I can't find a way to express the damage without having to hurt? Without having to to re-live the pain, why can't I pour it out with words?
I wish I was something else.
I wish I was someone else.
I wish that things didn't have to be so incompetent and messed up and stupid.
I wish knowledge was easy to absorb, and picking up impalpable thoughts and emotions was possible and tasted like crushed velvet. I just want to lie down for a moment. Just for a moment. So that when the sky gets dark, and the vision from the stars is blurred, I can sink. Just drown into the heart of the ocean.
"It comes and goes for me because I didn't get help for it.I mostly over it, past the biggest hurdle, but it's like running across a never ending beach.The tide comes in whenever it wants, whether the moon pulls it, and you can't stop it, you can't go anywhere else.You just have to keep running and holding your breath untill the tide goes back in"
Do you ever wonder what lays at the end of the beach?
"I'm too scared to. Everything I could ever come up with scares me. I don't know what I want if I'm not near this ocean, if I'm not running along it. Anything could kill me, and if I had to go, I would let the ocean swallow me down again. I've never known anything else, so I've never wanted anything else."
I used to want someone there with me. I used to want to just stop and be held, and told I don't have to run anymore. I wanted to just look at the ocean, instead of being scared, instead of being terrified and tired and sick.
You don't understand. I'm not running to see what's at the end. I'm not here because I want to. It's just... one day I stumbled off a cliff. It was a long way down. I fell, and fell, and fell, and I expected to die.
Instead, I fell into the ocean.
It took me a long time to find the shore. Once I did, though, I didn't understand what it was like not to be captured by the water. To be held there, captive, and tortured.
I didn't know what is was like to walk anymore. My legs weren't used to walking anymore, but once I was, I had to run. I couldn't walk away from water, I just had to go along it, and sooner or later, I had to learn how to run.
I don't know anyone who understands how much I want to dive right back in, find the thing that scares me and destroy it. Except, I know that once I find it, I'll never want to let it go, and I'll stay here, and never leave again. I can't leave the ocean, it's everything to me. Even if I did, I always find myself back here.
So I'm not running to find the end, no, I'm running to find where the ocean end.
If the the beach ever stops, it'll be because I found a home, or someone, or something that stopped me from finding the end, or from diving right back in.
Except, we all know... The ocean never ends. The sea never stops.
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